All of us have been exposed to it at one time or another. Some of us have been on the delivering end, while others of us have been on the receiving end. Most of it occurs in elementary school as we try to establish our own sort of sociological pecking order. Teachers and parents generally step in and give us the guidance we need regardless of which side of the issue we live. We’re talking about bullying.
Its difficult to find two definitions of bullying that are completely compatible. Univeristy of Bergen professor, Dan Olweus summed it up well with three core elements:
- Bullying involves a pattern of repeated aggressive behavior with negative intent directed from one child to another where there is a power difference.
- There’s either a larger child or several children picking on one, or a child who is clearly more dominant (as opposed to garden-variety aggression, where there may be similar acts but between two people of equal status).
- By definition, the bully’s target has difficulty defending him- or herself, and the bully’s aggressive behavior is intended to cause distress.
Reflecting on past experience, many of us would probably agree with the basic concept of this definition. Yet the stark reality is that this definition is too limiting in scope. His first point is that bullying occurs between two children. It is not uncommon to see adults that bully such as a boss that bullies his staff.
Take for example the owner that feels progress is not being made in his business. Money may be tight. He calls in his staff, and declares that no one is getting paid unless he gets the results he needs. Clearly the owner has that within is scope of power. Needless to say, it creates distress within the staff. What he did was bully his staff.
Nor is bullying any longer just child on child, or adult on adult. There is an increasingly disturbing trend of adults bullying children. It happens with parents that will bully their own children. Their inconsistent enforcement of rules, and the child’s refusal to follow when they are enforced, creates a frustration that leads to the parent bullying the child. Often though, the bullying is an act by an unrelated adult on a child.
This type of bullying typically occurs in competitive situations. One child is competing against another. One child succeeds to a particular level while the other child doesn’t reach the same plateau. Rather than working with the less successful child to develop and strengthen their skills, the parent makes the conscious decision to harass the more successful child. The bullying is nothing more than attempt by the adult to “throw” the other child off their game in an attempt to improve their own child’s performance. This creates a dynamic that other types of bullying don’t experience.
As is the case with most parents, we teach our children to respect adults. Adults are the authority. When an adult makes a request children are suppose to generally obey, and be respectful. We also teach them to stand up to bullies. So when an adult begins to bully the child, now the child has an internal conflict that can be very difficult to resolve. They’ve been taught to stand up to bullies, yet also respect the authority of an adult. The bullying adult thrives on this dilemma. They intimidate and harass, knowing the child has been taught respect for adults, and it places the bullying adult in a position where they feel power. We heard of another instance of this at a show this weekend. A younger child succeeded over an older child, and the parent of the older child decided to verbal attack the younger child.
Before we give a resolution its important to understand the psychological dynamics of the bully. Boys and girls differ in their bullying techniques. Boys tend to use a physical aggressions such as pushing, shoving and name calling, while girls tend to use relationships as their tool. Although different in format the girls use no less aggression in their bullying. It appears that most adult on child bullying involves a female adult that becomes jealous over the success of another child. So what techniques will that adult use if they seek your child as the victim.
Here are some of the common techniques girls will use to bully others:
- Spreading vicious rumors in the peer group to get even with someone so that other people will reject that person. In the case if the adult attacking the child, they will create fantasy stories of how their child may have been misused by the child in question. This was the case in our situation where the mother and child spread rumors that our daughters had beaten her up.
- Telling others to stop liking someone in order to get even with him or her.
- Trying to control or dominate a person by using social exclusion as a form of retaliation: “You can’t come to my birthday party if you don’t do x, y, and z.” For an adult it works no different. They will try to exclude the family of the child they want to victimize. Again this is what the adult did in our situation. The parent would invite everyone in the peer group with the exception of us and our children. Although we would invite the entire peer group to events, they would refuse to attend. The adult would even walk up to other children as they were talking with my girls and invite the other kids to various events but not say a word to my girls.
- Threatening to withdraw friendship in order to get one’s way, control another’s behavior, or hurt someone: “I won’t be your friend if… “
- Giving someone the silent treatment and making sure that they know they’re being excluded as a form of retaliation. Again the adult will not talk to us, and makes it clear that they will not in an attempt to bully. However this did not prevent verbal attacks on our daughter.
Bullies have a different sociological makeup then most of us. They will often perceive provocation where it doesn’t exist. They then use the perceived provocation to justify their aggressive behaviors. Bullies also believe that violence or aggressive behavior is the only way to solve their problems. They have a desire to dominate others, and gain satisfaction in the injurying of others. The bully sees no other way to gain success, than to bully the other party. The odd characteristic is bullies are often positive, as they are oblivious to the harm they cause around them.
In my daughters case, we have clearly identified that the adult in question was nothing more than a bully. She has fit the stereotypical profile to a tee. For the bully, the eventual risk is that she will be rejected by her own peers over time. Others around her will begin to weary of the bullying. We have begun to see this in the friends around us. Sadly, most bullies will look at themselves as the solution, never realizing they are the very source of the problem.
So what does a parent need to do in this situation, when an adult jealous of your child’s successes begins to bully your child?
- Teach your child that they are still in control of their situation. Build up in them a confidence that a bully even though an adult, still has no impact on their performance. After my daughter’s bully called out her name several times in a ghost like manner before the State Fair showmanship contest, my daughter summed it up beautifully by saying, “She’s only trying to do it to throw me off my game so that her daughter will win. Well its not working.”
- You as a parent, no matter how much you would like to retaliate against such an immature adult, must remain in control. Part of thrill the bully gets from bullying, is irrational reactions they can draw from their bullying. After my daughter’s bully yelled in her face this weekend at a show, I calmly walked up to her and said she was harassing a minor and it needed to stop. Her response was, “Go blog it!” She really had no mature response or reasoning. In fact I repeated the phrase four times and her response was the same. As important as it is that you as the parent remain in control, its just as important that your child remain in control.
- File complaints with the proper authorities as the need arises. If the problem is at school, you need to make school administration aware of the situation. They may do nothing about it, but they need to be aware of it. If its at other events, event organizers need to be aware of it. For us its rabbit show superintendents that we have to make aware. The problem is when you respond appropriately, the bully doesn’t know what to do. This is where the scariest part of bullying comes in. The question is how far will this adults obsession go? So far my daughter nor our family has been affected by her constant taunting. Today’s society leads to many thoughts. We see pets killed when jealous lovers are rejected by their former boyfriend/girlfriend. In Texas, we saw a jealous cheerleader, kill another because she wanted to be on the cheerleading squad. Of course, who can forget Tonya Harding hiring someone to smash the legs of fellow ice skater Nancy Keriggan. So, again, I ask myself, how far will this adult go? My daughter keeps winning at the show table and in showmanship, so the bullying is not working. We have friends that we hang out with at rabbit shows and we have a great time, so again, the bullying is not working. Since her bullying isn’t working, will the next step be an physical attack on our rabbits? Maybe even a physical attack on one of our children? Certainly we would hope not, but this is why the proper people need to be made aware of situations like these.
- Encourage your child to stand up to the adult in these situations. Yes, adults are authorities in a child’s life, but adults can be inappropriate and out of place. Rehearse a response with them. A response that lets the bully know they are not in control, your child is in control, and they will not allow their immature behaviors to alter their course.
Its unfortunate that things like this occur. But they happen in many aspects of life. The more success you experience, the more detractors you will face. Use it as an opportunity to teach your children that if they work hard, they won’t have to be a bully. The bully is looking for short cuts to the success others have experienced. Sadly, being the bully pushes them and their children further and further away from what they could achieve if only they had put in the hard work that other successful people had.
Check back tomorrow about something funny that Taylor said at the Michigan State Fair.
Rob Usakowski
Three Little Ladies Rabbitry